I haven't posted in a couple years and while that may be viewed that I don't care or I've forgotten, nothing could be further from the truth.  It's such a hard journey and one you have to at some point - at least for me - decide to let go of.  You never forget and today as is with every day I shed a tear (and often times downright ball my eyes out) for Jim, the loss and the what ifs. 

I've learned that time does heal, a bit more each day.  Not completely, of course, not even close; but time, friends, life, family, grandchildren and a whole lot of introspection helps to set you on a path of, "I've got this, I can be okay".  I have support from so many.  My daughter is on top of the list but there's also my strong and beautiful mother, my equally strong and beautiful sisters, my kind and caring brothers and my oh so wonderful friends and extended family that shore me up and keep me on the road to recovery.

It turns out it's the strength within you that can make it or break it for a peaceful, and joyful life after one experiences something so horrific as the death of your child to murder.  It's all a choice....a choice only you can make.  No one does it for you, no one....it's all you. 

So today as always, I miss you Jim, I love you and think of you daily.

Love, MOM

Jim came home to Michigan for his birthday in 2006.  Here he is with his beautiful niece Emma who will be 16 on April 12.  My heart is sad today thinking of all the what ifs.  I love and miss you Jim.

Love, MOM

The number 11

Jim was born on the 11th of January 1981, passed on the 11th of April, 2008 and now here it is 11 years later and still no justice. It is hard to comprehend....this past year the North Miami Police Department cold-cased the investigation..an investigation that produced no more each year than it did the first year.  I have a very low opinion of the detectives and the effort they put forth in Jim's case. So frustrating.

Despite, after 11 years I'm doing well.  It's been such a long haul. I miss Jim daily and speak to him all the time, I tell him I miss him and wish he were here.  I've learned to pull myself out of the "I miss Jim" doldrums and simply cherish the memories and love talking to others about him.  I love when I see signs from him, his way of saying, " I'm right here, Mom!  I love when I see him in my dreams and especially love seeing bits of him in each of my grand kids; and, I love how much they love an uncle they barely or never knew. 

So much has changed in 11 years, so much Jim has missed. 

I miss you Jim.  You are so loved.  Keep sending me signs that you are there....they keep me going.

Love, MOM

Nine years and still no answers

Jim, everyday I think of you: your infectious laugh, that big dimpled smile and your sparkling blue eyes. I miss your phone calls (still remember your cell phone number - still have it in my phone); I miss your sense of humor and the cards you'd send me for my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.  I loved your hugs and miss them so.  There are times when I hear you say, "I love you Mom" and my heart soars, only to sink when I realize you're not standing there.  I see you often in my dreams but I think not often enough.  I loved having you for those precious 27 years and so wish I could have had you forever.

It's been nine years since you departed and it feels like yesterday.  How can it really be nine years? I haven't seen nine years of action by the police department investigating your murder - I mean, shouldn't it be solved by now?!  Shouldn't justice have been served and answers given??  People are quick to tell me that they've heard of cases taking 20 + years to solve...as if somehow I should be satisfied with that and say, "Oh okay, I just have to be patient and wait then".  Patience has never been my strong suit and taking 20 + years to solve a murder is wrong on all levels.  I won't give up hope for justice Jim, but it sure is hard.

I hold your memory close to my heart always.  I miss you and love you till the end of my time.


Love,
MOM

Happy 35th Birthday

Happy Birthday favorite son,
sweetest young man and cute dimpled boy.  I love you and miss you.  Cannot believe you would been 35 years old today!

Love, MOM

Pure and Simple

It's been a long time since I posted on Jim's blog.  It's not for lack of thinking about my boy; it's quite to the contrary....I think of Jim the minute I get up in the morning, throughout the day and as I'm heading to bed.  I miss him...pure and simple.

I realize now after 7 + years that I don't cry as often and the sadness has been replaced by the joy associated with watching my beautiful grandchildren grow, immersing myself in family and friends and knowing that I am loved and cared for; that Jim, too, was loved and cared for while he walked this earth.  

There are still times though when something will happen that gives me pause and a bit of a set back.  A friend of Jim's will have a birthday, get engaged or married, have a child, take a great vacation, buy a house, get that job they always wanted....all the things Jim will never have.  I am so happy for his friends but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

What remaining anger I have is focused on the murderer(s).  I am mad that someone took his life, and pissed that they felt they had the right to do it.  I hate the person(s) that did this to Jim and that will never change.  I wish the case would break wide-open.  I hope the detective is doing all he can do and he's doing it every day; but, I know that's not how it works and that it is what it is.  And, I know that when and if the day comes that the case is solved and justice is served, that it will never be enough for me.

I just want Jim back, pure and simple..

Missing you, Jim...today and always,
Love, MOM

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It's your MOM's birthday!

Another birthday for me, another one without you, Jim.  You are missed, loved and forever and ever in my heart.