I haven't posted in a couple years and while that may be viewed that I don't care or I've forgotten, nothing could be further from the truth.  It's such a hard journey and one you have to at some point - at least for me - decide to let go of.  You never forget and today as is with every day I shed a tear (and often times downright ball my eyes out) for Jim, the loss and the what ifs. 

I've learned that time does heal, a bit more each day.  Not completely, of course, not even close; but time, friends, life, family, grandchildren and a whole lot of introspection helps to set you on a path of, "I've got this, I can be okay".  I have support from so many.  My daughter is on top of the list but there's also my strong and beautiful mother, my equally strong and beautiful sisters, my kind and caring brothers and my oh so wonderful friends and extended family that shore me up and keep me on the road to recovery.

It turns out it's the strength within you that can make it or break it for a peaceful, and joyful life after one experiences something so horrific as the death of your child to murder.  It's all a choice....a choice only you can make.  No one does it for you, no one....it's all you. 

So today as always, I miss you Jim, I love you and think of you daily.

Love, MOM

Jim came home to Michigan for his birthday in 2006.  Here he is with his beautiful niece Emma who will be 16 on April 12.  My heart is sad today thinking of all the what ifs.  I love and miss you Jim.

Love, MOM

The number 11

Jim was born on the 11th of January 1981, passed on the 11th of April, 2008 and now here it is 11 years later and still no justice. It is hard to comprehend....this past year the North Miami Police Department cold-cased the investigation..an investigation that produced no more each year than it did the first year.  I have a very low opinion of the detectives and the effort they put forth in Jim's case. So frustrating.

Despite, after 11 years I'm doing well.  It's been such a long haul. I miss Jim daily and speak to him all the time, I tell him I miss him and wish he were here.  I've learned to pull myself out of the "I miss Jim" doldrums and simply cherish the memories and love talking to others about him.  I love when I see signs from him, his way of saying, " I'm right here, Mom!  I love when I see him in my dreams and especially love seeing bits of him in each of my grand kids; and, I love how much they love an uncle they barely or never knew. 

So much has changed in 11 years, so much Jim has missed. 

I miss you Jim.  You are so loved.  Keep sending me signs that you are there....they keep me going.

Love, MOM

Nine years and still no answers

Jim, everyday I think of you: your infectious laugh, that big dimpled smile and your sparkling blue eyes. I miss your phone calls (still remember your cell phone number - still have it in my phone); I miss your sense of humor and the cards you'd send me for my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.  I loved your hugs and miss them so.  There are times when I hear you say, "I love you Mom" and my heart soars, only to sink when I realize you're not standing there.  I see you often in my dreams but I think not often enough.  I loved having you for those precious 27 years and so wish I could have had you forever.

It's been nine years since you departed and it feels like yesterday.  How can it really be nine years? I haven't seen nine years of action by the police department investigating your murder - I mean, shouldn't it be solved by now?!  Shouldn't justice have been served and answers given??  People are quick to tell me that they've heard of cases taking 20 + years to solve...as if somehow I should be satisfied with that and say, "Oh okay, I just have to be patient and wait then".  Patience has never been my strong suit and taking 20 + years to solve a murder is wrong on all levels.  I won't give up hope for justice Jim, but it sure is hard.

I hold your memory close to my heart always.  I miss you and love you till the end of my time.


Love,
MOM

Happy 35th Birthday

Happy Birthday favorite son,
sweetest young man and cute dimpled boy.  I love you and miss you.  Cannot believe you would been 35 years old today!

Love, MOM

Pure and Simple

It's been a long time since I posted on Jim's blog.  It's not for lack of thinking about my boy; it's quite to the contrary....I think of Jim the minute I get up in the morning, throughout the day and as I'm heading to bed.  I miss him...pure and simple.

I realize now after 7 + years that I don't cry as often and the sadness has been replaced by the joy associated with watching my beautiful grandchildren grow, immersing myself in family and friends and knowing that I am loved and cared for; that Jim, too, was loved and cared for while he walked this earth.  

There are still times though when something will happen that gives me pause and a bit of a set back.  A friend of Jim's will have a birthday, get engaged or married, have a child, take a great vacation, buy a house, get that job they always wanted....all the things Jim will never have.  I am so happy for his friends but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

What remaining anger I have is focused on the murderer(s).  I am mad that someone took his life, and pissed that they felt they had the right to do it.  I hate the person(s) that did this to Jim and that will never change.  I wish the case would break wide-open.  I hope the detective is doing all he can do and he's doing it every day; but, I know that's not how it works and that it is what it is.  And, I know that when and if the day comes that the case is solved and justice is served, that it will never be enough for me.

I just want Jim back, pure and simple..

Missing you, Jim...today and always,
Love, MOM

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It's your MOM's birthday!

Another birthday for me, another one without you, Jim.  You are missed, loved and forever and ever in my heart. 

Now it's been six years.....

April 11th, 2014 - six years since Jim passed away at the hands of a murderer. Six long years with no answers and no justice for Jim. I love you Jim. You are missed each and every day.

33 years old on January 11, 2014

Seems like yesterday that Jim couldn't understand why Julie was sad when we dropped her off at her dorm on the U of M campus. She was homesick and had tears in her eyes, and he was like, "I don't get it, you get to do whatever you want...you're free...I'd love to do whatever I want, when I want." Of course he really didn't understand that Julie wasn't all that free, but from his high school teenager point of view, that's how he saw it. At age 27, Jim achieved ultimate freedom. This was not the kind of freedom he was thinking of...certainly not the kind I ever envisioned for him. My sweet boy is gone - I will always want him back. Jim would have been 33 years old tomorrow, but for us he is forever 27. You are missed, Jim and we love you. Happy Birthday. Love, MOM

Thinking of Jim

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jim. Missing you Jim. Love, MOM

5 Years

The word anniversary always used to make me think of special events, like the number of years a couple has been married or how many years on the job.  You celebrate and go, "Wow, what an accomplishment!"

These past several days in Florida..first the walk/rally and then the meeting with the police department has been one that I can't easily describe.... so overwhelming, the love..the caring..the exceptional gift of answered prayers.  Thank you God, for all of it!

Having family and friends with me not only held me up but assured me that I am not alone on this journey.  Knowing that the police do care and want justice for Jim gives me the strength I need to put one foot in front of the other for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of Jim's death, but tomorrow I will choose to celebrate that I had this wonderful young man for 27 years...and, "Wow, that was special!"

You are loved and missed Jim. Love, Mom

"Our Hearts for Jim" Walk for Justice

Jim, I will be Walking for Justice for you, on April 7, 2013 in Florida. I know you will be watching over me and Julie and all those who participate in this walk. I hope and pray that answers come our way, and justice will be served. I love you Jim, Mom

Thinking of you

You're constantly in my thoughts. Today and always. I love you and miss you, Jim.  Love, Mom

I miss you Jim....every day. Love, MOM

The garden stones are officially back on display in Jim's garden. These stones made of cement and embellishments mean so much to me. I like to handle each one and think of the person who made it....how they knew Jim and Jim knew them...the memories abound. In four short years the stones are beginning to show the effects of long hours in the sun. The pretty glass stones and letter pieces are falling out and the pictures used on some are faded and unrecognizable. It doesn't matter, it truly is the thought that counts.

This year I received my annual sead packets and garden gloves from Lisa's mom, had a nice conversation with Kristen, received a favorite movie of Jim's from Angie, viewed a wonderfully put together picture video of Jim from his cousin, Laura, received a beautiful 3J's monogram necklace from Julie and some of the most beautiful thoughtful cards from family and friends. I love the remembrances and the thoughtfulness of everyone. Thank you so much.

Jim, you are so missed....

4 years - not so long ago

It seems like yesterday that Jim was alive and well, calling his friends and making plans for his future. Four years ago he was active, engaged in life and having a good time. Four years have slid by and I still can't comprehend that he's not here on this earth; that I will never hear his his laugh, and be the recipient of one of his great big bear hugs. Oh, how I long to hear those precious words spoken in his deep voice, "I love you Mom!"

I feel blessed that I had Jim for 27 good and wonderful years. He's left a legacy to some sweet and beautiful children - my grandchildren. I feel good that they know exactly who Jim is - their Uncle Jim, momma's brother, Grandma's son. Right now they love him because they only know love; but, the day will come when they will love him because of the kind of person he was and the joy he brought to all that knew him. Jim wasn't a saint but he was a good and sweet young man. My grandchildren can rejoice in the knowledge that the world is a better place because Jim once was in it.

I miss you Jim.

Love,
Jim's MOM

Jim's cousin, Laura, created this video in memory of Jim on his birthday this year.

Jim - 31 years old today

Another birthday, another year without Jim.

He would have been 31 years old today. That in itself seems amazing to me.

Jim gone from this earth isn't amazing, it's shocking. Someday Jim I hope that we will have justice for you.

Happy Birthday, Jim. Your family and friends love you very much.

Love, MOM

Where would Jim be for Christmas 2011?

I have been thinking about Jim all day today. If he were alive, what would he be doing? Where would he be living? Would he be married? Have a child? Home for Christmas? Probably not...he loved to downhill ski but he didn't like the cold winter weather of Michigan. Yah, he'd have found a beach, that's where he would be today. He loved the sun, sand and water. I love you and miss you so much Jim. Here's a picture of you and Julie at the beach.

You can't forget someone like Jim

It seems like everyday my heart aches for Jim. Every day I shed a tear and every day I think of him and how much he has missed. All of his friends have moved on. They are getting engaged, married, having babies, working hard in their careers and just plain living....something that Jim doesn't get to do - live, get engaged, marry, have children or have a job/career.

I know his friends have moved on, but I also know they have not forgotten Jim. You can't easily forget someone like Jim...ever.

Jim, today as always you are loved and missed.

Jim's MOM